I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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