Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
