one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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