i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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