your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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