for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
