can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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