ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
