A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
