we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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