I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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