I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize