She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
