Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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