She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Randomize
