Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
