A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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