you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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