Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
