I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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