Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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