just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
