I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
