My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
the liver wants what the liver wants
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize