the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize