i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
