Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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