he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
