Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
