Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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