pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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