Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
