I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
