Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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