Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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