The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
