I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
