I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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