Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Never joke about your clitoris.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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