You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
