Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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