my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize