So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
