fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
