Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What drink are we having for lunch?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
