i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize