I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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