Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
