Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize