I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
