What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
