I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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