I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You are the jesus of drinking
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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