kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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