I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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