I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
