Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
