She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
