this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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