After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The power of my boobs compel you
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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