You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize