Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
