i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
