just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
