you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
