They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
