mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Can I color on your dick again?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize