like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
