This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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