R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
