I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
