please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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