1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I love you. Go after that dick
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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