Yo dont text me then not text me
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
